Monday, September 18, 2006

I don't know what to name this post....

People have an image of you in their head. I consider it more like a map. This image is probably a snapshot of "you" at some point in your life - 10, 20, 30, 34 etc... They make a map initially when they get to know you. And they relate to you based on that map. Initially, this is fine. That's the way I do it, you do it, everyone does it!

But people change in all aspects, in all dimensions all the time! You drift away from people - due to physical distances or some other pressures in life. After a while, when they come back into your life, the image that someone has of you in their head might not reflect the real "current" you accurately. I might have changed tremendously - in attitude, likes, behaviour, eccentricities etc...! If they update their mental map and say - "Hey, this is how they are right we update our map", that'd be awesome! This happens many times and you stay in a healthy relationship. But sometimes, people insist on sticking to their old, worn-out mental map and expect me to conform to it. It gets annoying after a while.

How do you tell them that? It seems rude to say, "Hey, wake up! I am not that person anymore!". Personally, its a bit scary for me because it is equivalent to negating the premise- the person I was some 6 years ago- on which we built a relationship. Sometimes I try to verbalize that I've changed but when they ask, "In what way?", I don't have a clear-cut answer. And what's sometimes even more annoying is that they'll brush away my words and say, "Bah! You're still the same...Don't give me crap!". Denial is the worst form of ignorance that blinds people and the hardest to deal with.

This is especially true with people we don't see often. They don't track your progress or transformation that closely to update their mental map of you. So they are stuck with an outdated map and you are not that person anymore. As for me, I've had a suffocating feeling where I am being forced to be the "old" me!


Gopinath Sundharam said...

Well said Subha! It takes real patience to handle this toughest kind...

IBH said...

oh my god Subha, you have just pulled all the words from my mouth and have written it in an excellent way :) especially the part of feeling suffocated :)

how are u btw, it is been really a long time!

Zeppelin said...

onakkunu polambarudhukuu engendhu dhan topic kadaikaradho... :)

nicely written though.. take a chill pill and shut all this crap out and write some happy posts for a while.. freeya vidu machi ! ;)

dinesh said...

Nothing different from what we talked the other day, but you've done a great job putting it down. A nice way with words. Super !

Here's my few cents:

An important part of growing up, like you say is getting an understanding that these "maps" change. But you don't get that understanding till you see your friends change with time and in another environment. It took me a few surprises, a few shocks to make me understand that people change. By that time, I realized that I had changed. And that, the new social environment had imprinted a part of its personality on me. It's a part of growing up. That understanding does not happen naturally.

Prabu Karthik said...

On the spot!
but is it not just wishful thinking to make people believe us by just say 'i've changed'.

u know what i mean??

they formed their mental maps more on what they've seen how u 'act' or 'behave' in a particular situation and there's noway they'll alter their maps based on what u 'say' now.

its not very different from having some error message in a computer screen. Nobody reads it!

but people will definitely take notice if we show that we've changed in som way other than talking/saying. That act is impt..

ofcourse if someone has not seen you for long, they can't see u act. and thats when the disconnect happens.. i think we should move on. onnum panradhukku illa! for all we know that person might've changed too!

(edho enakku therinchada sonnen,
if it does not make sense, freeya vidu. "It really suffocates me that some people write crap in my comment box without knowing the context" nu aduthu oru post potradha!!)

manuscrypts said...

ever watched 'the wonder years.. theres a line that goes "Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go. "
i guess somewhere, we also like to believe things never change..not that it works, but still..

Anonymous said...

next time lex varumbodhu unna paakradhukku minnadi new map anuppu.. naanum venumna anuparen:)-

Subha said...



glad you stopped by! :)


adhukkellam talent venum man! :)


Subha said...


>>"It really suffocates me that some >>people write crap in my comment box >>without knowing the context" nu >>aduthu oru post potradha!!


Yes, like you say, when people are in close contact/touch, its easy for them to follow our changes...letting go is sometimes the worst thing..sigh.

Subha said...


bang on !


nee ketta tharama iruppena...

punnaakumaama said...

super post..
the simble solution!!!

never explain abt urself to anyone..

the one who believes u doesnt need it and the one who doesnt believe u, is not gonna believe anyways..

so y explain!!!