Failures..

Sometimes, it is good if life deals you a couple of crushing blows when you are young. You are bruised, hurt and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Life is all dark. But youth has a way of overcoming all hurdles. You pull through and maybe the experience leaves you accustomed with failure. You know what it is like to fail, be a failure and you know how to get through it. If the first taste of hardship one faces is in adulthood, it becomes hard to digest. It is impossible to say what drives humans to death but maybe, it won't lead to this.

On the topic of New Year celebrations...

We threw a huge party for my brother's first birthday. I really cannot include myself in the "we" as in "We threw the party" because I was only 5 years old back then. My parents did most of the work. All I had to do was flaunt my baby brother to everyone and smile for pictures. I have a very misty recollection about it but I do think it was a grand bash. We were in Bhubaneshwar then and all the kids in Acharya Vihar were invited. We even had gifts for all my friends like crayons, pencils, pencil cases, balloons etc...I used to love pencil boxes back then! My mom used to get me one with various Disney characters each time we went to the local superstore.

Of course, people tell me that my first birthday party was an even grander affair because I was the first child and all and Dad had invited all his office colleagues. Fancy that. I hope all of them got me nice presents but since I can't remember any of it, I am willing to forgive them even if they didn't.

Anyways, that is the only party I can recall that our family threw for a birthday. We were never a party family, you know. No cake-cutting or shouts of "Surprise" at midnight or gifts wrapped with shiny silver paper or parents fawning over how wonderful we were or any of those things. In fact, my dad hates to blow out candles on birthdays. He thinks that it should be a day when we light candles, not snuff them out. I agree with him on that point. Birthdays meant that Mom would cook an awesome meal and make nice payasam or some other exotic sweet (This year, when I happened to be in India for my birthday, she made badam cake and pakoras). We would wear our new clothes, go to a nearby temple and perform archanai. And that was that.

The logic extended to New Year also. As kids, I don't think my brother and I were ever awake till midnight on New Year's eve. It was just like any other day. But we'd visit family and friends, watch some special programs on TV, go to a fair or a movie and maybe eat out. But nothing compared to the hoopla we see these days about the "New Year". S & I spent the last moments of 2007 at a friend's place. We played "Sequence" until midnight, broke the bubbly, wished each other with lots of hand pumping et al, ate amazing home-made layered chocolate cake and posed for funny pictures. It was good fun because hanging out with friends is fun. But I wouldn't ascribe any of my joyfulness or levity to the fact that it was New Year's eve. I sometimes don't know what all the fuss is about.

Do people party on New Year's eve because they are celebrating the end of a strenuous year? Or are they celebrating a psychological watershed and decide to grow as a person in the coming year? Or is New Year's just an empty excuse to party? It really does make me wonder because I get these calls on January 1st and everyone asks me, "Soooooooo what did you do yesterday?Please don't tell me you spent it at someone's home? Come on, girl, didn't you hit the clubs?" Personally, I think that it is great to spend New Year's at home or at a friend's place celebrating the things that are important -- companionship, friends and of course, good food..:) I don't think its my cup of tea to go clubbing on New Year's eve with the mad, mad crowds and dance to wild music. I might try it once in a while but certainly not every year.

All that said, Happy New Year to all of you! Hope this year turns out to be a great year for all of you. As far as this blog goes, I think I have to make two solemn promises for this year:

1. I'll try to post more frequently.
2. I'll reply to all comments..:) I know I've been a laggard as far as this goes. I'll promise to be a good girl. There.

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Betwixt Insanity and Reason...

There's a bit of insanity in everyone. There have been moments of blinding range when I've felt like throwing things at the first person I saw. There have been moments of depression when I've felt like an island in this sea of humanity. I've also been known to ruminate on quite unnecessary things like conjuring up imaginary hurts/insults offered me (Oh, what if she thinks I am stupid? Oh, what if he thinks I am clumsy? Is that why he said that word at --------'s party?) and worrying about them.

I still consider myself sane (for the most part). I've recovered from these occasional fits of frustration, depression, loneliness, hallucinations to look back and laugh about it. And I am sure most people go through these phases once in a while.

The line between sanity and insanity is quite thin. I still don't know where that shadow exactly falls. I know a lot of utterly lonely, angry people, talking to oneself out of sheer frustration and imagining the world's against them. I've known quite a few characters who have grand hallucinations and think that the universe revolves around them. Most of these people are extremely intelligent.

But are they mad? Or are they just eccentric? Should I just report such characters to the authorities in the fear that they are potential candidates to turn completely mad? When do people go over the edge? Why is it that of two people who go through excruciating hardships, one turns into a seasoned, mellow person whilst the other becomes a psycho? I still don't know. I am still contemplating it as I read the aftermath of the Virginia tech murders.

P.S: I stole the beautiful picture from Arun's photoblog. He captured the essence of it when he titled it "The thin line between Good and Evil". Thanks, Arun!

Wistfully me..

I caught up with a friend over phone after a really long time. It seemed to me like it was just now that we were in college. But it had indeed been a while! So we yapped around, condensing happenings of the past few months into a 40 minute conversation.

It made me wistful to think that I'd missed so many happenings in his life. It used to be that we once shared the most mundane, trivial things of our daily life. And yet, time constraints and other pressures make it impossible for me to do that now. After a day at work , gym, cooking, cleaning etc..it seems a gargantuan task to pick up the phone and talk to people on a daily basis.

Am I missing being a part of so many people's lives - friends and family? Does anyone (at least occassionally) notice my absence during important events? Does anyone want me in their lives? I wonder if some of my friends or relatives stop to think of me once in a while. I know I do. Or perhaps I am just another pebble in the riverbed and the river of life never stops flowing for anyone. It makes no difference to the river if one pebble is present or not. If all human bonds are so effervescent, why do we even try to be social? Perhaps its an evolutionary safeguard to maintain pack unity.

There are people who leave an indelible mark on society for at least the next few years or centuries. And then there are the commoners like me who'd not be missed or mourned. I don't aspire to be a celebrity. But I'd like to strive to be remembered amongst people I know.